New Moms
Mamas on Bedrest: Mama’s “Dream Team”
January 12th, 2012As the debate over who is the better provide of peripartum care wages on, I often wonder, has anyone ever stopped to consider what mamas want? What are mamas’ ideas of the “perfect birth scenario?” What would constitute a birth “Dream Team?” I have often contemplated what would have been my dream scenario (not that anyone ever asked me!!)? If I had to do it all over again and could have things organized around what would have served and soothed me, this would have been my “Dream Team”.
AntePartum Doula. For both of my pregnancies, especially my first, I would have loved to have had someone come to my home, perhaps once or twice a week and check on me. One of the main reasons that I was so reluctant to go on bed rest and pushed back against it was because during my first pregnancy, I was completely on my own (my husband travels for work) and for my second, I was on my own with a 3 year old. How nice it would have been to have folks stopping by, helping out around the house and making sure that I had any and all supplies that I needed. Had I been on full bed rest, helping me to be comfortable, helping me to exercise my muscles and providing massage would have also been greatly appreciated.
Birth Doula. I sort of had this my second go round (We flew in my sister and she was a HUGE source of support and relief!!), but the first time, things went south very quickly and both my husband and I could have used some support in the delivery OR. While I was bleeding profusely (don’t know if they classified it as hemorrhaged, but it wasn’t pretty) immediately post partum, to have had someone that I knew and trusted to help me calm down (they had whisked my daughter away and I was a raving maniac!!), someone who could have told me what was going on, someone to convey that I was in great pain and got me the relief that I needed immediately and not 6 hours later would have been great. I think that incessant emesis and screaming should have been a clue, but it didn’t get me any relief, so I am thinking verbal requests might have worked better.
Midwife AND Obstetrician. I think that both should be present! In the case of my daughter, things went south pretty quickly, so the obstetrician would have definitely been in command. But for my second birth, I think it would have been nice to have a trial of labor with a midwife, with an OB standing (very close) by. I had a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks, my cervix was totally closed and I had no hint of labor. While my son was and is totally fine, I think he and I both were strong enough to have “gone the distance” for a VBAC. But I guess hindsight is 20/20. I wonder if I had had a skilled midwife present could I have at least tried labor? Hmmm.
Lactation Consultant. The hospital in which I delivered my daughter (my first delivery) did well with this one and I really liked this lady! The neonatologist was all gunho on giving my daughter formula because she was unable to latch initially and she could not breathe and suck (her O2 saturation would drop into the mid to low 80’s). I refused. I wanted her to have breastmilk, but mine wasn’t in yet. The neonatologist was insisting on formula so that they could measue exactly how much my baby was getting. A very wonderful Lactation consultant arrived and asked, “Why hasn’t this mama been given a breast pump and offered donor breastmilk?” Everyone in the NICU kind of looked at her like, “Curses, foiled again!” but by the end of the day, I had a breast pump and was pumping out small amounts of colostrum and my daughter had a bottle of donor breast milk which was all we needed until my milk came in. This lovely woman also showed me the best ways to help my daughter to latch on so that she didn’t desaturate as much (just into the low 90’s) and her monitors didn’t all sceech and holler when I held her.
Social Support/Discharge Planning. Now I know that some of you reading this will say, “But most hospitals have social workers.” This is true. But neither time I delivered in either hospital (my children were born in two different hospitals) did a social worker come in and see if there was any support that I needed at home, did I have any questions or if I had any concerns. No one gave me any instructions on wound care for my c-section incisions and no one gave me, “If this happens, come back immediately” instructions or anything on the signs and symptoms of post partum depression. Interestingly, a social worker did come into my room when I had my son to offer me Medicare and WIC (foodstamps) papers. (Obviously she hadn’t read my chart and seen that I had private insurance or a well employed husband, but had merely seen “my face” and had made some pretty biases-okay, racist- assumptions. But I’ll leave that discussion for another post!)
Post Partum (Home Doula). I really needed this, especially after my second delivery! While my sister attended my birth, she had to leave the very next day. (I wasn’t even out of the hospital!) I was in the hospital most of the week following my c-section. When I went home, my parents were there, but they had already been there a week and only stayed two more. So at 3 weeks post partum, still sore and achey, I got up, got my 2 little ones ready and drove my parents to the airport. (Husband had already set off on another business trip!) I have to admit, my response timing was off and I really couldn’t adequately feel my feet to drive but I did it. And at 3 weeks post partum, I was on my own with 2 little people. At that time, I didn’t know about doulas and no one suggested one to me. A few friends stopped by, but for the most part, I was on my own. A doula would have been a Godsend! Post partum follow up is the norm in many countries. I truly believe that it needs to be standard of care in the United States!
So this would have been my dream team. This is actually the reality in many countries. Women in many countries receive this type of perinatal care as routine, and it’s covered by (often universal) insurance. Sadly, this level of care isn’t available to everyone in the US, only via private pay, so often women who need it most are least able to afford the assistance. Thankfully many doulas are able to fulfill the intrapartum, post partum and lactation duties, so you really get 3 rolled up into one. But we have a long way to go!
Few practices utilize both Obstetricians and midwives in the US. To me, this is where we really fall short of providing optimum care. The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” is approriate because while takes a village to raise the child, it really takes a TEAM to bring the child into the world. It is high time that we all realize that no one provider-Obstetrician or Midwife-is better than the other. They have different skill sets, different strengths and mamas need both available to her as she brings her child (ren) into this world. It is high time that this bickering back and forth STOP and we get about the business of caring for the needs-medical, social and otherwise- of mamas and their babies.
Mamas, what is your ideal “Dream Team”? Do you have it? How can we help you get it? Share your comments below and be sure to subscribe to our RSS feed at the top right corner of this webpage.
Mamas on Bedrest: “2011 A Horrible, Wonderful Year” A Mama’s Triumph Over Adversity
January 4th, 2012Mamas are the most resilient people that I know!
After going through fertility treatments, Paige, @babydust on Twitter and the author of this post, is a mama to a 3 year old little girl and darling twin baby boys. Now a SAHM (stay at home mama), many would think that Paige “lives the life”. But her journey was anything but easy. Paige’s story epitomizes an all too common scenario for Mamas on Bedrest. Yet, despite its troughs and pitfalls, Paige prevailed.
For those of you “going through” I share Paige’s story with you (with her permission) to show you that you are not alone in your trials and to show you that there can be a happy ending. Paige has an awesome blog called Baby Dust Diaries. I highly recommend you take a look. Thank you so much Paige for sharing your story!
2011 A Horrible, Wonderful Year
Ah 2011. What can I say about you? My first reaction is that 2011 SUCKED BIG TIME. I mean at least 70% of the days of this year were some of the hardest of my life. And yet, in all the ways that really matter, you know those ways that will matter in 5, 10, 20 years, 2011 was full of life-changing blessings. I mean I welcomed two baby boys into my family AND I became (at last) a stay at home mom.
I guess the problem was, as will most things, my blessings came with much blood, sweat and tears. I started the year with an extended hospital stay to keep my babies from being born too early. Hospital bedrest is misery. Seriously.
Yet, it was a blessing because it kept my boys a-baking for a crucial extra month!
Even though my eventual goal was to be a SAHM it would probably have taken a few years for my hubby and I to get to that point. And then Psycho Boss (PB) entered the picture. I can’t even describe the continuous harassment I endured at this person’s hands. The examples would be endless and cause me stress just in the remembering. Worse yet, the process that is supposed to protect employees from Pregnancy discrimination failed me miserably. At every turn I had people shocked at the treatment I endured and agreeing that it had to end. Then when I finally sought formal relief it is like the “machine” that was my agency responded by getting its hackles up. Talking about an issue is one thing – actually filing a complaint? In hindsight, the minute I formalized my complaint my career was over. Even if I had won (or especially if I had won) I would have been blacklisted. It became a witch hunt. No one denied the discrimination but everything else became a problem. In the end, a job that I loved and had always been family friendly, ended because I couldn’t attend a 6PM meeting with 3 hours notice. They actually laughed (yes, LAUGHED) when I said I’d need a days notice to change my child care arrangements. It wasn’t about that meeting it was about punishing me for complaining.
Ugh! Enough of that! Just talking about it is going to give me nightmares tonight (luckily the daily nightmares are now just weekly, they’ll go away, right?) My point is that it was demoralizing in the extreme. I couldn’t sleep or eat I had a constant headche and stomach ache. I had no energy to parent. I considered hurting myself although I don’t think I was suicidal. It certainly combined/exacerbated/triggered severe post-partum depression. It was the second worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Yet, I had asked God to help me stay home with my kids and he sure did. The circumstances were less than ideal but I got my wish. I’m sure that 5 years from now I’ll be so glad I quit my job. Maybe I’ll even be thankful for PB? Nah.
An added problem was that I couldn’t talk about any of this on the blog. I get even angrier at PB when I think about him taking away my voice, my outlet. Holding back what was really going on in my life made any writing impossible. You can’t build a partial dam, know what I mean? THEN I got hacked and it felt like a punch in the stomach. Here my one solace – my blog – was being taken away.
Sob. Sob. I know it might sound pathetic but it was a very difficult year. I’m glad it is over and I look forward to looking back on it as a huge transitional point in my life for the better. I also hope to NEVER relive it!
Mamas, you can make it! Our roads are not typically easy, but as Paige shows, they are often well worth the struggle. Congratulations to Paige for her beautiful children and for finally becoming the SAHM she wanted to be.
Would you like to share your Bedrest story with other mamas? We’d love to hear it and share it! Share your story or a link to it at info@mamasonbedrest.com and give us the full attribution so we can credit you. Your stories are what keep other mamas who are still “on the road” trodding.
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Mamas on Bedrest: Comparison is the Cruelest form of Self Sabotage
January 2nd, 2012Over the past couple of days, various people that I follow on twitter and facebook and whose blogs I read were reporting their blog stats and business successes. They all seemed to have had “banner” 2011’s. I didn’t have a bad year, but it was nothing to brag about (so I thought). I was feeling down and beginning to slump into that negative speak, i.e. “I’m not doing anything special, so why bother.”
For me, 2011 was a year of ups and downs. I blogged a lot and for my efforts my blog was named one of The top 50 Pregnancy Blogs (#38) by Babble.com. Color me surprised! How many days did I write a blog only to wonder, “Is anyone even reading this thing?” Someone was!
I attended BlogHer (sponsored by Hologic, Inc) and had the opportunity to meet many of the women bloggers I so admired. I also found myself a sought after blogger for the issues of mamas, pregnancy and maternity/paid leave advocacy.
I had the opportunity to talk with and interview a number of phenomenal people all working on behalf of mamas and babies. Kim Updegrove is the executive director of Mother’s Milk Bank Austin and she shared with us the lifesaving qualities of donor breastmilk. Beth Jackson Gagne is a mama who developed the BabyStayAsleep infant sleep system out of her own frustration dealing with her son’s reflux. Founder and Executive Director Elan McAllister shared with us her non-profit passion, Choices in Childbirth, that advocates for women having the ability to birth the way that they choose. Psychologist Dr. Diane Sanford shared with mamas the importance of self care. Kim Hollins, a college senior, shared with us her passion for early childhood education and the development of African American children. And we capped off the year with an interview with the extraordianary midwife and childbirth educator, Jennie Joseph.
But for me, my greatest moments were speaking with mamas themselves! Brenda Torigiani shared her personal story on developing life threatening Peripartum Cardiomyopathy and gave us all a wonderful education on the condition. Charisse Mora-Medina, a mama to a preemie and now someone I’m proud to call friend, shared her rollercoaster experience of having a very premature infant and the subsequent care of a fragile child and now rambunctious toddler. And then there are the tens of hundreds of mamas with whom I’ve had the great pleasure and honor to share and speak into their lives during their pregnancies. It is a heady experience to speak with a mama in Australia or Ireland or to receive an e-mail from a mama in the UK and the many mamas here in the US. (Thank God for Social Media!!)
It’s so easy to compare myself to people who’s blogs are pulling in thousands of people per day or month or year and to feel inadequate. It’s easy to feel meager in the face of companies who are boasting thousands of dollars in sales. I created Mamas on Bedrest & Beyond to serve mamas and to provide support for a high risk pregnant mama’s life. Obstetricians and Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists work to ensure that mamas deliver healthy babies and stay healthy in the process. They don’t address how she’ll maintain her job, how she’ll pay her bills, who will clean her house or buy her groceries or how she will care for children she already has. They don’t readily address her fears or anxieties. Obstetricians and Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists take care of patients. That’s a good thing. I like to think that I take care of “Mamas”- and all that being a mama encompasses. I’ll continue to tweek Mamas on Bedrest & Beyond to better serve mamas who need my services. But mostly I will continue to work with and for mamas because I like doing it.
So if you find yourself comparing your pregnancy to your friend’s (who isn’t on bed rest) and feeling inadequate. Stop! Don’t compare your cervical length to that of another mama’s on a forum. Don’t beat yourself up because medications stopped one mamas contractions and you delivered early. Comparison is the cruelest form of self sabotage. It makes you feel badly and hides you from your greatness. So stop it, Mama! (And that’s a word as much to me as to you!!)
