Parenting
Mamas on Bedrest: Boys & The Brain
January 30th, 2012Boys and Girls learn differently.
Well no news there, yet that is what the presenter, Mr. Michael Zumpano, opened with today at a parent education seminar offered at my son’s Montessori school. “Mr. Michael” as the children call him, has a Master’s in Education and specializes in physical education and the educational needs of boys. He teaches physical education to the children at my son’s school and provides particular insight into the education of boys. I’ve seen him in action and have been impressed at how well he engages and redirects children who are on the verge of “acting out”. And although I try to limit “scheduling” things on the weekends (as quite frankly I need a break from scheduled activities) when I saw the notice for this seminar, I was drawn to it and I’m really glad that I went.
The purpose of Mr. Michael’s presentation is to help us as a community (parents, teachers and other family members and workers) to come together to better support boys. He related how in his own life, his father died when he was 8, yet he has lots of support from family who lived close by, neighbors and other men in his community who mentored and guided him. He emphasized that today many boys are growing up without their dads in the home or in their lives and without extended family or a close knit community. The result is that graduation rates for boys are down and risk taking behavior is up. We as a society and as communities have to step in and step up for our boys to ensure that they develop as fully mature men.
So what did Mr. Michael teach me about interacting with my son (and my daughter)?
- Male and female brains are different. Male brains are larger than female brains and are composed more of gray matter than white matter. What this means is that males are more adept at performing spatial tasks. Males can focus on one thing for quite some time, sticking with it until they master it, but have a much harder time transitioning to another task than females. Females brains are composed of more white matter. Female brains circulate more blood and have more neurologic connections between the sides of the brain. As a result, females have better verbal skills, are more relational and are able to move more easily from one task to another.
Testosterone and Oxytocin. Male brains are under heavy influence of testosterone while female brains are under the influence of oxytocin. Now these are generalizations as both sexes contain both hormones and we all know of men who are great multi-taskers and communicators and women who are more aggressive and confrontational. But in general, Male brains are primarily influenced by testosterone and female brains are influenced by oxytocin. So what does this mean for behavior?Testosterone is what causes boys to be more aggressive and to take risks. It’s an action taking hormone. It also makes it more difficult for them to take in a lot of information. When trying to get your son (or husband) to do something, give them “just the facts”, visual cues/pictures and direct tasks. Don’t infer and don’t assume they’ll “get it” because you allude to something. If you didn’t clearly say it, they may not have received your message.
Oxytocin is a nurturing hormone. The dominant influence in the female brain girls respond to verbal cues, direct eye contact and empathy.
- Nurturing: Empathy vs. Aggression. As mamas, our natural instinct is to “nurture” our babies. But as our little boys grow, we may need to nurture them less and handle them with a “firmer” hand. This is not to say that you should beat your boys. But because of how their brains are designed, they are going to respond better to lower/deeper pitched (voice) tones and a strong touch. So if your son is playing a video game and its time for dinner, you are going to have to approach him (and if he is calm) look him in the eye, lower the pitch of your voice, speak firmly, perhaps with your hand on his, and say, “its time to stop and get ready for dinner.” Mr. Michael also reminded us that this will be a tough transition for a boy as he is deeply engrossed in what he is doing and doesn’t easily transition. He advised perhaps saying, “Son, 5 minutes more and then its time to stop.” He even advised a step down approach, “Son, 3 more minutes, then its time to stop.” (Now as a mama, I have to admit that I was a bit put off by this. Sometimes I need my son to do what I need him to do when I ask him to do it! But I will take this information into consideration!)A very interesting point Mr. Michael shared is that when your son is not calm, i.e. when tempers are rising and you find yourself in a confrontation with your son, that is not the time to make eye contact. In males, eye contact is a sign of aggression, an invitation to spar, kind of like a dare. Your son will see your behavior as a sign of aggression and will meet your “aggression” with aggression of his own! This is primal behavior (seen even in boys as young as toddlers) not your son trying to sass you or be headstrong. If your son is agitated and you are trying to get him to do something, approach him from the side, lower the pitch of your voice, perhaps put your hand firmly on his shoulder and then state clearly and directly what you want him to do.
Finally, when your son falls, your first instinct may be to run to him and say, “Are you ok? Aw, it’s okay baby.” This may be okay for a baby boy, but as they get older, it’s important that boys be nurtured in a more aggressive fashion. If they fall, make sure they are not hurt, but assure them that they are okay and encourage them to “get back into the game”. As they get older and may be feeling skiddish about making a mistake or poor performance, we must encourage them to stick with the task, honor their commitment (especially if it is to a team) and to try again at the activity. This type of nurturing tends to help a boy rally faster and to get back to tasks at hand. Boys that are “nurtured” too much won’t develop the necessary skills to press through adversity and complete tasks and this can become a hindrance in later development and in life.
Before you Assess….One thing that I am always concerned about is how quickly people (schools, teachers, relatives, etc…) are ready to label children and medicate children. I came away from this workshop more convinced than ever that there are children (boys especially) out there labeled as ADHD and behavior problems when they simply need different guidance and direction and a different teaching style. Boys are not made neurologically to sit for long periods of time. After a time boys go into what Mr. Michael called “Active Brain Rests” where they seem to zone out and/or fidget. Boys need to move. Frequent movement breaks enable boys to better focus when they are approaching tasks. Before you have your son assessed, ask these questions:
- Are they getting enough water? Dehydration makes it difficult to focus. If you son is asking for water, he is already dehydrated.
- Is he getting enough sleep? Children who are sleep deprived have more difficulty focusing. Speak with your pediatrician and find out how much sleep your son needs and be sure he gets it.
- Make sure your son is getting a nutrient dense diet. This can be hard, especially when children refuse to eat certain foods. But make sure your child is getting the nutrition he needs and discuss supplementation with his pediatrician if you have questions.
- Make sure your son is getting enough natural sun light. This will not only improve his mood, but also help make sure he is getting enough vitamin D
- Make sure you son is getting enough Omega 3 Fatty Acids. Omega 3 Fatty acids help with brain function.
- Make sure your son is getting enough exercise, a natural neurochemical booster.
I came away with a lot of food for thought and a lot of reading that I want to do. I have to admit, I am in the dark when it comes to raising a boy. I am the last of 3 girls and had a daughter first. This boy thing is all new territory for me. But I am very thankful to Mr. Michael for sharing his expertise and insight into the brains of boys with me today.
Mamas on Bedrest, if you know you are having a baby boy and this is your first intimate experience raising a boy, here are some resources for you. This list is by no means exhaustive and this summary of this workshop is by no means “the gospel” on how to raise your sons. But I hope that this is a starting point, some food for thought, which will stimulate you to explore more. That is what this workshop did for me. I learned a bit, but learned more about what I don’t know and about what I would like to learn more. If you know of or come across great resources, please share them in the comments section below. You can also send us an e-mail at info@mamasonbedrest.com. You can also “tweet” us on Twitter (@mamasonbedrest) or post a resource on our Facebook Page. Subscribe to our blog by clicking on the orange circle in the upper right hand corner of our webpage. If you are interested in learning more about supplements appropriate for your children, send e-mail to info@mamasonbedrest.com to schedule a consultation.
Resources
Michael Gurian, Gurian Institute, Gender Differences www.michaelgurian.com. www.gurianinstitute.com
Daniel Amen, MD, Neuroscience/Brain research. www.amenclinics.com
Michael Thompson, books on boys. www.michaelthompson-phd.com
Leonard Sax, Books on Boys and Girls. www.leonardsax.com
Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, ages and stages of development www.touchpoints.org
Louise Bates Ames, psychologist who studies characteristics of each age
William Sears, MD and Martha Sears, RN medical and diet. www.askdrsears.com
“The Way of the Superior Man” (book) By David Deida.
Mamas on Bedrest: Heartbreak for 3 Mamas
January 16th, 2012
Ever begin reading something that so grosses you out yet you can’t put it down? That is how I felt reading, “Death On Ice” an article in the December 2011/January 2012 issue of Men’s Journal.
According to this well written article by Jeff Tietz, in the Span of 16 weeks last year, the National Hockey League saw 3 of its players-Wade Belak, Rick Rypien and Derek Boogaard-die. Belek and Rypien took their own lives. At this time, it is unsure if Boogard took his own life but with a substance abuse problem and depression, odds are moving in this direction.
These were big guys, “enforcers”, guys paid to go out onto the ice and “beat down” players on the other team in defense of players on their own teams. They played little hockey. Their main task was to “defend” the honor of their teams. But the repeated blows to the head that each man endured likely contributed to his demise. The article describes how each of these men had likely suffered from Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) a brain disease often connected to massive blows to the head and is known to exacerbate if not cause depression, rage, addiction and memory loss.
The article described and showed photos of, often in more detail than I was used to stomaching, gruesome bare knuckled battles between these (off the ice) “gentle giants”, colleagues and friends . The last to lose his life, Derek Boogaard, was a mere 29 years old but holds the dubious distinction of delivering the most devastating blow in hockey history. In a battle with another enforcer from an opposing team, Boogaard delivered a punch of such force that it shattered opponent Todd Fedoruk’s face, shattering his eye orbits, his cheek, jaw and his nose. Plastic surgeons had to reconstruct Fedoruk’s face using titanium plates.
I’m no hockey fan. I’m neither a fan nor a subscriber of . The subject matter made me physically ill as I read it and more than once I felt as though I would throw up. But in the midst of reading about the brutal battles and the sad endings of all of these young men, I couldn’t help but think aboout their mamas.
As I sat there, watching and waiting while the dentist applied sealants to my almost 6 year old son’s molars, I couldn’t help but wonder, did Mrs. Belak, Mrs. Rypien and Mrs. Boogaard ever imagine in their wildest dreams that their darling baby boys’ lives would end in such tragedy? The irony wasn’t lost on me. As I sat there waiting while my son’s dentist applied sealants to his 6 year molars, I swallowed hard when I read that one player had lost 7 teeth during his career in Hockey. When I considered all that I went through to conceive and carry my babies to term, I just can’t fathom them being involved in such brutatlity. Did Mrs. Belak, Mrs. Rypien and Mrs. Boogaard ever imagine?
Mrs. Belak, Mrs. Rypien and Mrs. Boogaard were mamas just like you and me. I don’t know if any of them had difficult pregnancies or were on bed rest, so I don’t know if they endured steroids, repeat ultrasounds and the fear that comes with knowing that you may lose a child that you desperately want. But I am willing to bet that they did all within their power to bring their baby boys into this world. I know that they loved them beyond measure. And I say without hesitation that they nurtured their boys to manhood. Perhaps they nursed them as babies. They changed their diapers, held their hands as they learned to walk, stroked their cheeks when they were sad or ill, kissed boo boos and soothed all the ills of childhood. They may have even been the ones to teach their sons to ice skate; on ponds and rinks in their hometowns, their young sons wobbly and weaving as they learned to balance. I am sure that they were as proud and thrilled as anyone when “their boys” made it into the National Hockey League. What mama doesn’t want her child to live his dreams? But I wonder if their joy turned to dismay and then sheer horror when they realized what their “baby boys” were being asked to do.
As I sat there, looking at my own little boy, my heart just broke for these women. I can’t imagine anyone hitting my son, and not with the force and intensity that these men endured! When I look at my son’s smooth, cherubic face with the scrawly adult teeth growing in and I know that I could kill anyone who even looks at him cross-eyed! I suppose this’ll change as he gets older, but I wonder if these mamas felt that way? And what of Todd Fedoruk’s mama? She must have been horrified when she saw her baby’s shattered, bloodied face.
The National Hockey League is reviewing it’s policies and procedures in light of these deaths . So far, there has been no ruling on the role of “enforcers” and the brain trauma these men endure (let alone the depression, substance abuse and behavioral disorders). But one can’t ignore the fact that the repeated blows that these men’s bodies endure-the brain not withstanding-is brutal and had to have been contributory if not causal to all of their deaths. Boogaard’s family has donated his brain to Boston’s Center for the Study of Traumatic Encephalopathy (CSTE).
Somehow I doubt that will be much comfort to his mama or to Mrs. Belek or to Mrs. Rypien. From all of us here at Mamas on Bedrest & Beyond, our hearts go out to you on the lost of your baby boys.
Additional information on the tragic life and death of Derek Boogaard came from Nick Coleman.
Mamas on Bedrest: Introducing “Early Minority” with Kim Hollins
December 14th, 2011I’m an African American Mama trying to raise her 2 African American children in this crazy “melting pot” called America. Now in grade school and learning “American History”, my children have questions race, culture and why it’s been such an issue. Often I have no answers.
Which is why I was so excited to “tweet” Kim Hollins (on Twitter, @EarlyMinority). A Senior Human Development and Early Education student, Kim is setting up a non-profit organization, Early Minority, to address issues of race and culture in the development of young African American Children. Please visit her website for more information or contact Kim directly at Kimberly@earlyminority.org.
