Parenting
Mamas on Bedrest: The Shadow Behind My Smile
March 21st, 2012
My son turned 6 years old today. I just returned from his preschool celebration and I’m a bit “misty”.
I never envisioned myself as one of “those mamas” who get misty every time their child does the slightest thing. But sitting in my son’s classroom today, listening to all his little classmates say what they like best about him, it was really a bittersweet experience. The accolades ranged from “I like his superhero T-shirt” to “He’s a really good runner” and “I like the way he plays tag.” The compliments were as sweet and as funny as the little ones themselves. And not one of those wee ones commented on the fact that my son is brown amongst a sea of pale faces.
Nagging in the back of my mind was the realization that my son won’t always be so well loved. Sitting in that Montessori classroom with the ever patient “guides” (teachers) my son exists in a different world. As the only African American child in that classroom and one of two African American children in the entire school of some 100+ students, my son is a rarity. He has learned to have patience and compassion for his “friends” and to always regard them with kindness and respect. It works so well in this environment and I wish that this Montessori way of being conveyed to the broader society at large. But as the recent shooting of 17 year old Trayvon Martin clearly demonstrates, this is not the case.
Trayvon Martin was a 17 year old boy who lived in Florida. On Sunday February 26, 2012, Trayvon went to a local convenience store to buy some Skittles and iced tea for his little brother. Walking back home, he was talking to his girlfriend when a man began chasing him as he walked through a gated community. George Zimmerman then fatally shot Trayvon Martin stating that “He was up to no good.” Although Trayon Martin was unarmed and had not provoked any altercation, Zimmerman chased and shot the teen. Investigation in this case is still pending and there has been enormous public outcry because Zimmerman has not been arrested and charged with murder.
As I sat in my son’s classroom I began to wonder, at what age should his father and I teach him the word “nigger” and what it means? Yes, there it is. That dreaded, nasty word that inflicts so much pain and rage yet is hurled at Black people with venom and hatred for no other reason than the color of our skin. Do I let him be called a nigger first or prepare him for that inevitable encounter by essentially teaching him the word? At what age do I teach my son that there will be people who will hate him with a vengeance, who may seek (an terrifyingly succeed) to harm him to the point of death? How do I teach him that he may be walking down any street in this United States of America and someone may spit on him because of the color of his skin? How do I teach him that store security clerks will follow him, question him and assume that his is “up to no good” when all he may be doing is buying me a birthday present? How do I explain to him that riding his brand new blue bike with his new “slime green” helmet may cost him his life if he rides his bike in the wrong neighborhood? How do I explain these things to a beautiful little boy when I don’t understand them myself?
Hell, give me potty training, shoe tying and learning to ride a two-wheeler any day! These skills are infinitely easier to teach than hate.
Sitting and smiling, I squelched the fear and push back the urge to vomit. I did my best to dwell in the moment watching my son smile as he shared his birthday poster of photos from his 6 years with his friends. I squelched back thoughts of Trayvon Martin’s mother’s agony because her boy is “gone too soon” and in a senseless fashion. I choked back the anger and fear that I have, knowing that there are so many “lessons” that I need to teach my son and I feel woefully unprepared and ill equipped to teach him. And for just a moment, I wish with all my heart that I could somehow shrink him up and put him back into the secure confines of my womb where I’d know that he’d be safe.
Today is my baby boy’s birthday. His father and I shared his joy as he received love and acceptance from his classmates. The celebration will last through to the weekend culminating with a Star Wars themed birthday party. There will be much joy and laughter as my son revels in it being “his day” and “his time”. I’ll smile to and laugh at his glee. But like most African American mothers of boys, I will also be patently aware of that nagging sense of fear and the shadow it casts behind my smile.
Mamas on Bedrest: Welcome To My World-Working Moms vs. Stay At Home Moms
March 7th, 2012
Welcome To My World is a compilation of blogs by mama bloggers. The complete title is Welcome to My World: Working Moms vs. Stay At Home Moms. 13 of your favorite bloggers debate who has it easier.
I received this short e-book in my e-mail. I wasn’t sure what to expect but sat down one afternoon and read the bulk of the entries while my son had his martial arts lesson and my daughter was at tap dance class. (Yeah mamas, you know how we do!!)
After having read all 13 entries I have to admit that I am a bit baffled. The title of the compilation indicated, at least to me, that the entries would debate the point who has it easier-Working moms or Stay at home moms. I am a work from home mama so I was quite interested to see how other mamas navigated the work/kid path successfully. I didn’t really see this debate. I read 13 blogs that for the most part complained about how hard it is to be a mom and to do any sort of work.
Several entries kavetched about not having the time to work as diligently as one would have liked, the difficulty at balancing home and child care responsibilities with trying to work-in or outside the home-guilt for not being the mom that they had hoped they’d be, lack of time to oneself, loss of one’s identity and feeling unappreciated. I could relate to all of these emotions. But I still felt that somehow, in the recounts of days when showering was a luxury and squeezing out a modicum of time to work in between home and child responsibilities, the blogs should have answered-or at least weighed in with their opinion, who has it easier, working moms or stay at home moms.
What I found to be the “gems” that I took away from these blogs is that if you are a woman who had a career prior to having children, you very likely will have to rethink how you will proceed with that career after you have children. For some women, being a working mom (working outside the home) is the answer. For other moms, staying at home or working from home will meet their needs. Others will go in a completely different direction. I felt that this was the real meat message of the book and one that could really benefit other moms struggling with the work/stay home decision.
I found 3 of the bloggers really gave sage advice as to how to navigate the work/stay at home conundrum. Blogger Joanne Bamberger, founder of Punditmom said at the end of her entry,
“If I was to offer one piece of advice to any mom who has found herself in the same place I was just a few years ago (trying to figure out what she would do when her law job was not available after her pregnancy), or who questions whether it’s worth her time to investigate the third way (starting a work from home business), I’d say this: don’t be afraid to follow your heart and your passion. You can create what will be waiting for you. “
Joanna created a work at home situation as an author, political and media analyst using her legal skills and background. She showed that when neither situation-working or staying at home solely as a mom-was working for her, it became necessary for her to create something entirely new that would suit the needs of her family and her own self fulfillment.
Tracey Frost Rensky had a similar situation arise when she was having her girls. To be able to be with her girls and to have a community of moms, she started Citibabes,
“a home away from home for downtown New York families. It currently hosts a family club with two play spaces, a cafe, 5 classrooms, a preschool program, an adult gym, parenting workshops and more.”
Rensky has just recently stepped away from the day to day operations of Citibabes to spend more time with her family. As she makes the transition, she says,
“I feel extremely blessed to have been a part of the team that has built Citibabes to what it is today. I am frequently reminded by friends and strangers in the hallways how we have changed their lives and they could not imagine raising their children without us. I know that those blurry work lines I once had made it possible for me to be part of my girls’ lives almost every day whilst also building a successful business.”
Ali Wing, CEO of Giggle is a working mom (works outside the home). Her blog post chronicles a day when she took off from work to attend a field trip with her son’s class. It is a humorous account of how her son, concerned about his mama fitting in, offers her pointers on how to dress and interact with the other mamas. Ali talks candidly about the choice she made to work outside the home and why it suits the needs of her family. Is it perfect? By no means. But it is what works best for her and her family. In her words,
“The secret is realizing that there isn’t a “right” way to do it. As long as everyone is secure and happy, it’s okay if you make different choices. “
Overall, Welcome to My World has some well written blog posts by mamas in the thick of the work/life balance conundrum. I personally think that a better title for the book would have been “Welcome To My World” How Mamas Can Find a Balance Between Family and Work/Career Self Fulfillment”. Because that’s really what it’s all about. There is no right way for a mama to have a family and to continue to use her skills and expertise so that she feels intellectually fulfilled. Its a game of trial and error and what works for one mama and her family will most assuredly not work for the next. Offering mamas successful examples of how it can be done is what is important, and that being the case, Welcome to My World is a success.
You can purchase your own copy of Welcome To My World for your e-reader via our Amazon.com store in the Work/Life Balance Section. We respectfully ask that you support working mamas by purchasing a copy of the book. Also, because the information on Mamas on Bedrest & Beyond’s website is free, we ask that you help us to continue to bring you this great free content by purchasing this e-book via our amazon store.
Mamas on Bedrest: I was left behind
February 21st, 2012
“We forgot Brown Bear at Grandma’s house”
As I looked at the text, my heart sank. My husband and children flew to my husband’s hometown to celebrate my mother in law’s 70th birthday. I had another obligation, so for the first time in their lives, my children traveled without me. I did all that I could to make sure that they had everything they needed. But as they packed for the return trip, Brown Bear got lost in the bed sheets and left behind.
As any parent knows, the loss of a beloved “Lovie” can be catastrophic. Think of the Peanuts character Linus and his blanket and you’ll know exactly what I mean. I was pretty sure that they’d make it home on the flight okay, but my greatest concern lay in trying to get this child to sleep tonight. I called my mother in law and she was already heading out the door to the FedEX store.
“Hold on,” I said. “It’s President’s Day. Let’s make sure they’re shipping out.”
So she held on one line while I used my cell phone to see if FedEX was shipping. They were and off she went. She called me back about half an hour later to let me know that Brown Bear was on his way-overnight express!
With potential catastrophe averted, I sat down with a sigh. The next thing I knew, I was sobbing. How was my son going to make it through the flight without Brown Bear? Would he be scared? Would he cry? At one month shy of 6 years old, I knew in my head that he’d make it just fine. But in my heart, I was nervous. My son would be upset and there he’d be, without Brown Bear-and without me.The tears streamed down my face. This would be the first time ever that my son would be or could be in distress and I wouldn’t be there to make it all better. Instead, I was home alone, “working” (but not getting damned thing done!).
I have traveled before and left the children home with my husband. They’ve always been fine. We’ve traveled together the three of us since they were both babies (My husband was usually off on one business trip or another.). But never have they ventured on a trip without me. We don’t have family close by, so weekends at Grandma’s or Mimmie’s is out of the question. My daughter has just started having sleep over parties, yet even when she’s gone, I have my son at home. This was the first time that they were both gone. It is the strangest feeling to be “left behind.”
My house is eerily quite without the banter and bickering of my children. My son’s drums reside beside my desk and although I often have to shout to make him stop playing while I am on the computer, it’s a clanging that I am quite used to. Last night when I returned from my trip, I entered the house and the silence was almost deafening. There was no one there to greet me when I returned. And as I locked up and went to bed, I realized it was the first time I had slept in our house alone since before my daughter was born in 2002.
I knew the day would come when my children would leave, even temporarily, but my sadness at their absence surprised me. Even at the ages of 9 and 6, this trip was a stark reminder that my days of “mothering” are speeding by and one day in the not so distant future, I will wave good bye as my children head off to write their own stories of their lives.
So here I sit, at 11:25 pm writing a blog that should have been posted 12 hours ago. When they arrived, amidst the hugs and excitement, I learned that my daughter had lent her brother “Bear” (her bear) to hold on the plane. Another “friend” is sleeping-in for Brown Bear tonight. Every one, family and faux furry alike, are pitching in to get my son through this night. Brown Bear’s ETA is “before 3pm” tomorrow, so if all goes well, he’ll be in the car when I pick my son up at school.
I haven’t heard a peep from my son’s room. My guess is that the excitement of the day has worn him out and even though Brown Bear is temporarily MIA, the comfort of being home, in his own room, in his own bed and with his “friends” is mitigating any sadness he may feel over Brown Bear’s absence.
As for me, I am relieved to have my family home. I know that this is just the beginning. I have sleep overs, overnight camps and college to look forward to and hopefully they will all prepare me for the day when my children leave me behind-for good.
