Relationships
Mamas on Bedrest: Boys & The Brain
January 30th, 2012Boys and Girls learn differently.
Well no news there, yet that is what the presenter, Mr. Michael Zumpano, opened with today at a parent education seminar offered at my son’s Montessori school. “Mr. Michael” as the children call him, has a Master’s in Education and specializes in physical education and the educational needs of boys. He teaches physical education to the children at my son’s school and provides particular insight into the education of boys. I’ve seen him in action and have been impressed at how well he engages and redirects children who are on the verge of “acting out”. And although I try to limit “scheduling” things on the weekends (as quite frankly I need a break from scheduled activities) when I saw the notice for this seminar, I was drawn to it and I’m really glad that I went.
The purpose of Mr. Michael’s presentation is to help us as a community (parents, teachers and other family members and workers) to come together to better support boys. He related how in his own life, his father died when he was 8, yet he has lots of support from family who lived close by, neighbors and other men in his community who mentored and guided him. He emphasized that today many boys are growing up without their dads in the home or in their lives and without extended family or a close knit community. The result is that graduation rates for boys are down and risk taking behavior is up. We as a society and as communities have to step in and step up for our boys to ensure that they develop as fully mature men.
So what did Mr. Michael teach me about interacting with my son (and my daughter)?
- Male and female brains are different. Male brains are larger than female brains and are composed more of gray matter than white matter. What this means is that males are more adept at performing spatial tasks. Males can focus on one thing for quite some time, sticking with it until they master it, but have a much harder time transitioning to another task than females. Females brains are composed of more white matter. Female brains circulate more blood and have more neurologic connections between the sides of the brain. As a result, females have better verbal skills, are more relational and are able to move more easily from one task to another.
Testosterone and Oxytocin. Male brains are under heavy influence of testosterone while female brains are under the influence of oxytocin. Now these are generalizations as both sexes contain both hormones and we all know of men who are great multi-taskers and communicators and women who are more aggressive and confrontational. But in general, Male brains are primarily influenced by testosterone and female brains are influenced by oxytocin. So what does this mean for behavior?Testosterone is what causes boys to be more aggressive and to take risks. It’s an action taking hormone. It also makes it more difficult for them to take in a lot of information. When trying to get your son (or husband) to do something, give them “just the facts”, visual cues/pictures and direct tasks. Don’t infer and don’t assume they’ll “get it” because you allude to something. If you didn’t clearly say it, they may not have received your message.
Oxytocin is a nurturing hormone. The dominant influence in the female brain girls respond to verbal cues, direct eye contact and empathy.
- Nurturing: Empathy vs. Aggression. As mamas, our natural instinct is to “nurture” our babies. But as our little boys grow, we may need to nurture them less and handle them with a “firmer” hand. This is not to say that you should beat your boys. But because of how their brains are designed, they are going to respond better to lower/deeper pitched (voice) tones and a strong touch. So if your son is playing a video game and its time for dinner, you are going to have to approach him (and if he is calm) look him in the eye, lower the pitch of your voice, speak firmly, perhaps with your hand on his, and say, “its time to stop and get ready for dinner.” Mr. Michael also reminded us that this will be a tough transition for a boy as he is deeply engrossed in what he is doing and doesn’t easily transition. He advised perhaps saying, “Son, 5 minutes more and then its time to stop.” He even advised a step down approach, “Son, 3 more minutes, then its time to stop.” (Now as a mama, I have to admit that I was a bit put off by this. Sometimes I need my son to do what I need him to do when I ask him to do it! But I will take this information into consideration!)A very interesting point Mr. Michael shared is that when your son is not calm, i.e. when tempers are rising and you find yourself in a confrontation with your son, that is not the time to make eye contact. In males, eye contact is a sign of aggression, an invitation to spar, kind of like a dare. Your son will see your behavior as a sign of aggression and will meet your “aggression” with aggression of his own! This is primal behavior (seen even in boys as young as toddlers) not your son trying to sass you or be headstrong. If your son is agitated and you are trying to get him to do something, approach him from the side, lower the pitch of your voice, perhaps put your hand firmly on his shoulder and then state clearly and directly what you want him to do.
Finally, when your son falls, your first instinct may be to run to him and say, “Are you ok? Aw, it’s okay baby.” This may be okay for a baby boy, but as they get older, it’s important that boys be nurtured in a more aggressive fashion. If they fall, make sure they are not hurt, but assure them that they are okay and encourage them to “get back into the game”. As they get older and may be feeling skiddish about making a mistake or poor performance, we must encourage them to stick with the task, honor their commitment (especially if it is to a team) and to try again at the activity. This type of nurturing tends to help a boy rally faster and to get back to tasks at hand. Boys that are “nurtured” too much won’t develop the necessary skills to press through adversity and complete tasks and this can become a hindrance in later development and in life.
Before you Assess….One thing that I am always concerned about is how quickly people (schools, teachers, relatives, etc…) are ready to label children and medicate children. I came away from this workshop more convinced than ever that there are children (boys especially) out there labeled as ADHD and behavior problems when they simply need different guidance and direction and a different teaching style. Boys are not made neurologically to sit for long periods of time. After a time boys go into what Mr. Michael called “Active Brain Rests” where they seem to zone out and/or fidget. Boys need to move. Frequent movement breaks enable boys to better focus when they are approaching tasks. Before you have your son assessed, ask these questions:
- Are they getting enough water? Dehydration makes it difficult to focus. If you son is asking for water, he is already dehydrated.
- Is he getting enough sleep? Children who are sleep deprived have more difficulty focusing. Speak with your pediatrician and find out how much sleep your son needs and be sure he gets it.
- Make sure your son is getting a nutrient dense diet. This can be hard, especially when children refuse to eat certain foods. But make sure your child is getting the nutrition he needs and discuss supplementation with his pediatrician if you have questions.
- Make sure your son is getting enough natural sun light. This will not only improve his mood, but also help make sure he is getting enough vitamin D
- Make sure you son is getting enough Omega 3 Fatty Acids. Omega 3 Fatty acids help with brain function.
- Make sure your son is getting enough exercise, a natural neurochemical booster.
I came away with a lot of food for thought and a lot of reading that I want to do. I have to admit, I am in the dark when it comes to raising a boy. I am the last of 3 girls and had a daughter first. This boy thing is all new territory for me. But I am very thankful to Mr. Michael for sharing his expertise and insight into the brains of boys with me today.
Mamas on Bedrest, if you know you are having a baby boy and this is your first intimate experience raising a boy, here are some resources for you. This list is by no means exhaustive and this summary of this workshop is by no means “the gospel” on how to raise your sons. But I hope that this is a starting point, some food for thought, which will stimulate you to explore more. That is what this workshop did for me. I learned a bit, but learned more about what I don’t know and about what I would like to learn more. If you know of or come across great resources, please share them in the comments section below. You can also send us an e-mail at info@mamasonbedrest.com. You can also “tweet” us on Twitter (@mamasonbedrest) or post a resource on our Facebook Page. Subscribe to our blog by clicking on the orange circle in the upper right hand corner of our webpage. If you are interested in learning more about supplements appropriate for your children, send e-mail to info@mamasonbedrest.com to schedule a consultation.
Resources
Michael Gurian, Gurian Institute, Gender Differences www.michaelgurian.com. www.gurianinstitute.com
Daniel Amen, MD, Neuroscience/Brain research. www.amenclinics.com
Michael Thompson, books on boys. www.michaelthompson-phd.com
Leonard Sax, Books on Boys and Girls. www.leonardsax.com
Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, ages and stages of development www.touchpoints.org
Louise Bates Ames, psychologist who studies characteristics of each age
William Sears, MD and Martha Sears, RN medical and diet. www.askdrsears.com
“The Way of the Superior Man” (book) By David Deida.
Mamas on Bedrest: Introducing “Early Minority” with Kim Hollins
December 14th, 2011I’m an African American Mama trying to raise her 2 African American children in this crazy “melting pot” called America. Now in grade school and learning “American History”, my children have questions race, culture and why it’s been such an issue. Often I have no answers.
Which is why I was so excited to “tweet” Kim Hollins (on Twitter, @EarlyMinority). A Senior Human Development and Early Education student, Kim is setting up a non-profit organization, Early Minority, to address issues of race and culture in the development of young African American Children. Please visit her website for more information or contact Kim directly at Kimberly@earlyminority.org.
Mamas on Bedrest: How will you “Mama” your Children?
October 26th, 2011
“Because I’m your mother and I said so, that’s why!”
The first time that I heard a variation of those words come out of my mouth I cringed in utter disbelief. Even the thought of them now makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up on end. How many times had my mother said those words to my sisters and I when we deigned to question a command? How many times did we chide behind her back, “No good reason, eh?” Yet there they were, a variation of those most annoying and seemingly lame words rolling right out of my mouth.
I have made a conscious choice not to use the phrase “Because I said so” with my children. Even if I want them to simply do what I say and not question my instruction, I try to give reasons for my directives. Children are not stupid and often when they are asking the reason for doing something, they aren’t even being confrontational. As I have found with my own children, sometimes they just want to know why it’s important that they do something that they’d really rather not do.
What has become an interesting problem is dealing with my mother as I mother my own children. Being that she is in her 70’s and reared us with the “Do as I say” mentality, she gets a bit put out with me when I dialogue with my children about things. We spent the better part of the summer with her and more than once she jumped in when I had instructed on of my children to do something with,
“Because your mother said so!”
At one point I had to remind her, “Ma, these are MY kids and I’ll speak to them as I choose.” Although I am nearly 46 years old, she wasn’t happy that I had “back talked” her.
For my mom and many of her generation, the belief is that children should respect their elders and often should be “seen and not heard”. While I agree with that on a few levels, I wholeheartedly disagree on most other levels and have some caveats. Children should be kind and speak respectfully to everyone and that is something on which I work very diligently with my children whether they are speaking to their teacher, other older adults or to a friend on the playground. As much as possible, they should use kind words.
However, I do not ascribe to the notion that children should respect any and all adults simply because they are adults. While I don’t advise my children to “talk back” if an adult is rude to them, I do tell them to tell me or their father so that we can address them-adult to adult and not put my children in a potentially disadvantageous (harmful) situation.
I am a firm believer that respect must be earned. There have been many adults and authority figures in my life that while I spoke courteously with them, I in no way respected them. These people were often rude, brash, condescending and quite often wrong in their ideals or opinions yet doggedly argumentative that their position was the right position. We all have and are entitled to our beliefs. At the same time, that does not give any of us the right to be rude or to speak in a manner so as to belittle another person. I believe that this is true whether we are speaking with another adult or with a child. If you are not kind, why should you expect others to be kind to you, much less respect you?
So my children ask lots of question, sometimes at inopportune moments when I would rather they just take my directions and run with them. But at the same time, I have learned from my children and in one case, my daughter presented such a well thought out counter argument to my directive that I apologized to her and we carried out the situation as she suggested.
Children learn what they live. I want both of my children to grow up to be confident, well spoken people who can intelligently discuss a topic, even differ in their opinions from their companion, yet be respectful and be respected at the same time. When we shut them down with “Because I said so”, I believe that we teach them not to critically think, not to have original thoughts nor to be able to formulate an opinion. I believe we teach them to become “followers in the herd” because they don’t develop the confidence to identify what they want or need, to openly state when something is wrong or doesn’t resonate with them and to subsequently voice those opinions. The “herd mentality” teaches our children that it is more important to be “in the crowd” than to be an individual. I fear that it is this thinking and this “fear of being different” that leads many of our children to try drugs, alcohol or other risky behaviors-because everyone else is doing it.
We adults are not always right. While many of us easily admit that, many others won’t admit that sometimes a child-in particular their own child-may have a different, valid and perhaps more right opinion.
So Mamas on Bedrest, how will you mama your children? Will you allow them to learn and grow according to their own inner trajectory with gentle guidance and correction or are you more inclined to impose your preferences upon them, to be right and demanding rather than commanding their respect? Share your parenting opinions below, on our Facebook page or on Twitter, @mamasonbedrest.
